Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management
by Radioactive Ferret
Summary: Yugi and Ryou share advice about maintaing sanity with their yamis. Here are ten rules to follow when living alongside an Ancient Egyptian spirit. Read. Learn. Survive.
1. RULE 10

Title: Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management

Pairings: hints of some YB X YY

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.

Summary: Yugi and Ryou write a guide to keeping ancient spirits in check.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, there would be much yaoi. And Anzu would be dead. And Mai would be topless.

* * *

RULE 10 – The Kitchen

Where to start?

My name is Ryou Bakura, and it wouldn't be that much of a stretch to say I'm possessed. Well, now that I think about it, 'haunted' would probably be a better word. You see, I have what some people might call an evil twin. He's actually the spirit of an ancient Egyptian thief, but either way works.

Now, the reason I'm writing this is because I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the first person to have a spirit live with me, and I will definitely not be the last. So for all the unfortunate souls with Ancient Egyptian spirits living alongside them, this guide is for you.

-----

There are ten things one must remember when dealing with a yami. One important thing to remember is that they are extremely persuasive and can lie seven ways to hell. So, no matter how much sense they make, make your decision before you talk to them, and do not change your mind.

For example, when it comes to kitchen appliances, I don't care how high their understanding of modern electronics goes: Do not let them handle any machine in the kitchen. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever! They may know _**how**_ to use said appliances, but they seem to enjoy finding ways to use them as weapons.

I learned this the hard way when my friends and I were hanging out at Anzu's place.

The group consisted of Yugi, Honda, Jounouchi, Anzu and myself. Bakura and Yami were there too, but none of us had seen them in over an hour. We didn't think anything of it, though. Finals were little more than a week away, and in the midst of all the crazy events over the past two years, we hadn't been as dedicated to studying as we should've been. I was used to letting Bakura do his own thing, and I had assumed that if he got too far out of line, Yami would give him a little push in the right direction.

Or a sucker punch to the gut, but it makes no difference to me.

Bakura and Yami had a very odd relationship since they both received bodies of their own. Their conversations had two levels—the basic meaning that everyone heard, and then the deeper meaning that could have one at the other's throat in the blink of an eye.

Now, though I often wondered what this 'deeper meaning' was, I refrained from asking, simply because I was getting sick of slamming my head into the wall. Those two seem to have that sort of effect on me, no matter how level-headed I try to remain. There's only so much stupidity one can take, after all, and their arguments made my brain melt into a sticky pile of goo after prolonged exposure.

For example: Christmas. Yugi and I had (unsuccessfully) tried to explain the story of Christmas to Yami and Bakura, and just when I thought they were finally starting to understand the concept of holiday spirit, Yami made some snide comment, and the next thing I knew, they were aiming for the jugular with glass icicles. I had no clue what they were fighting about! Three trips to the Shadow Realm (and subsequently, the hospital) later, I finally got up the nerve to ask Bakura what the fight was about.

His reply?

_**Frosty the motherfucking Snowman.**_

Apparently, Yugi had forced them to watch the movie so he could have a few moments of peace, and Yami had convinced Bakura that talking snow demons were indeed real, and the only way to kill one was by stabbing it in the head with an icicle.

So why the fight?

Honestly, I have no idea. But anyways, back on topic.

We were about halfway through our Calculus homework when there was a sudden enraged scream of pain from the kitchen. I felt a strange burning sensation through the mind link Bakura and I shared, while Yugi just shook his head. "Who wants to go see what they're doing?" he asked in resignation.

Jounouchi was the first to volunteer. Well, not so much as volunteer, but more like he hopped to his feet and ran into the kitchen. Seconds later, he slunk back out into the living room, shoulders shaking with laughter. "You guys gotta see this!" he snickered.

Yugi and I groaned, minds readily supplying images of just what might have happened. We followed Jou into the kitchen, and immediately burst out laughing. Bakura was strangling Yami with the cord of Anzu's waffle iron, and before any of us could ask why, I caught sight of Bakura's hand. There was a bright red cris-cross burn pattern on both sides of his right hand, probably from where Yami had smashed it in said waffle iron.

"Let them fight it out," Yugi said monotonously.

"But Yugi…!" Anzu protested.

Honda shrugged. "I think Yugi's right. They won't kill each other."

I'll cut out Anzu's friendship speech—not because it isn't relevant, but simply because the moment the words "But friendship—" left her mouth, I sorta zoned out.

Yugi didn't seem to be paying that much attention either, but that was probably due to the fact that Yami had stolen one of Bakura's knives and cut through the cord. "Wanna bet on who wins?" Jounouchi asked Honda with a grin.

Honda thought for a moment. "Well, Yami has a knife, but knowing Bakura, he probably has at _**least**_ ten more hidden somewhere." He frowned. "Then again, Yami is better with the whole Shadow Voodoo thing, but…"

Jou rolled his eyes. "Just pick one, already!"

"Fine. I say Bakura."

"Traitor!" snapped Yami.

Honda shrugged. "Well, he _**does**_ have that man-eating bug."

"And that bug had better not materialize in my kitchen again, Bakura!" Anzu snapped.

"Shut your whore mouth!" Bakura snapped, flinging a knife at Yami and dodging a frying pan simultaneously.

To make a long and monotonous story short, I'll just tell you that Yami won by knockout, though only just. He managed to smash the blender over Bakura's head, but then slipped in a small puddle of blood and knocked himself out on the sink.

So, there you have it. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, allow your yami in the kitchen. Unless you enjoy cleaning up blood and broken glass, but to each his own.

* * *

Author's Note: ... Wow. I have no idea where this came from. Anyways, there is more to come, so I hope you enjoy! All of the people who have their own yami... please google 'dissociative identity disorder'. That will give you more help than this story. Next chapter is coming soon! Thank you for reading, and good night!


	2. RULE 9

Title: Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management

Pairings: eventual YB X YY. Yes, it will be there. I promise.

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.

Summary: Yugi's POV. The group goes to a theme park. What chaotic adventures await them?

Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, there would be quite a few changes…

* * *

RULE 9 – Modernizing

Wow. I've never really had to hide my writing before, but I suppose that with touchy topics such as this, discretion would probably be a wise choice. My name is Yugi Mouto, and, like my companion in storytelling, I am haunted by an extremely impulsive, destructive and entirely unpredictable Egyptian spirit.

I mean, yeah, it _**can**_ be pretty fun most of the time—he's one of my best friends, after all—but in many ways, it's like having an antisocial dog. He's great around humans, but he's unnaturally vicious around other spirits. Mainly Bakura, but any other Ancient Egyptian… thing… is in danger as well. Let's just say that peace and quiet is out of the question. Honestly. I haven't slept through the night in over a year.

Anyways, if you're reading this, you're either a nosy twit who's digging through my papers, or you've got a situation on your hands that's similar to mine. So, let's get down to business. You've already been instructed to keep your yami away from the kitchen. Follow that rule religiously.

But there are many other items and appliances that could easily spell doom for humanity if they fell into your yami's hands. And many of them can be very dangerous even if your yami is not the one using them. So, when it comes to modern devices, remember: Knowledge is power… for lack of a phrase that isn't retarded.

-----

Now, one thing you should bear in mind around Yami is that **he is not as innocent as he acts.** Sure, he puts on this whole 'no, I would _**never**_ do something like _**that**_!' façade, but in reality, when it comes to his fights with Bakura, Yami is usually the instigator. You would probably never guess, given Bakura's history of violence and sociopathic tendencies, but if you look closely, Yami will often provoke him with some subtle remark or by tripping him in the street or anything else that could be classified as childish. This is often overlooked mainly because Bakura has a very short fuse and therefore seems to explode over nothing. Thus, blame lands on Bakura. And Yami, damn his black Egyptian soul to hell, knows this and takes full advantage of it whenever he gets the opportunity.

It was the Saturday after finals, and we thought it would be a great way to celebrate if we visited the amusement park. Things started out well, but if it seems too good to be true, chances are, it probably is. I managed to keep Yami distracted from attacking Bakura by dragging him into the arcade with me, Anzu and Jounouchi for an hour or so. I learned one thing, though: Yami really sucks at air hockey and Pac-Man. Anzu kicked ass at DDR, but she failed to convince Yami to try—he was too busy trying to figure out Mortal Combat with Jou and I.

But then Honda, Ryou and Bakura joined us and suggested we go on some of the rides.

Bakura seemed to be in a very good mood for some reason, but I thought that asking why would seriously be tempting fate. Luckily, Ryou must've noticed me staring, so he explained. "We went into the haunted house and Bakura scared a group of children shitless. Literally."

I laughed. "Well, as long as he and Yami get along today, I really can't worry too much about the kids."

It was at this moment that Honda suggested the roller coaster. Ryou seemed a bit hesitant, but Bakura was all for it, so we got in line. At this point, Bakura's thrill-high was wearing off, and he suddenly became aware of the person standing next to him.

Guess who.

Normally, this wouldn't have been too much of a problem, but when you're stuck standing in a very long line with absolutely nothing to do but enjoy each others' company, that's just trouble waiting to happen. Luckily, Anzu seemed to sense the tension in the air, and she decided to start taking pictures with her disposable camera.

I believe this is the time where I toss out a pointer to all of you: When using **modern** devices around **ancient** spirits, be sure to thoroughly explain how said objects work and what they do.

I thought I had explained cameras to Yami, and I didn't worry when he simply looked confused as Anzu snapped a picture of him and Bakura. Then Anzu showed them the picture.

Cue mass freakout on Bakura's part.

Yami seemed somewhat calmer, but he clearly was not a fan of the demonic flashing box either. So, after a bit of explaining and several threats, we thought we had things under control.

But oh, how wrong we were.

"Could I borrow that, Anzu?" Yami asked innocently.

"Sure!" she said, tossing the camera.

I knew what was coming. I knew it, but there was no way I could stop it. "Say cheese!" Yami said, and Bakura stumbled backwards as the flashbulb went off mere centimeters from his eye.

Then things kinda went to hell.

When Bakura stepped back, he crashed into a little kid with an ice cream cone. The ice cream splattered all over Bakura, the little girl began to cry, the mother began to shout, Yami was laughing his ass off, and Anzu began taking more pictures for her photo album. Honda and Jou began taking bets again, and Ryou and I just sighed.

And then, the moment you've all been waiting for—the first punch was thrown. However, it did not come from Yami or Bakura, but instead from the little girl's big brother.

Ah, it was a magical moment. Yami and Bakura working together to beat the tar out of a common enemy—kinda like on Rush Hour 2, just without all the kung-fu. Once the big brother ran away crying, Bakura and Yami grinned at each other. Ryou and I felt like jumping for joy! Finally, after three thousand years, they were getting along! I mean, well, they weren't gonna be smoking a bowl together anytime soon, but it was definitely a start.

But then Anzu had to open her mouth and ruin the moment. "That's sweet, guys. It's all about friendship—"

And then they started with the fighting again. Yami slammed his foot onto Bakura's, making the latter shout in pain as he hopped in place. "I'm going to fucking _**murder**_ you, Pharaoh!" he roared.

This continued until we finally got onto the roller coaster.

After Ryou got Bakura to bring the belt from Yami's seat back from the Shadow Realm, we all strapped in and waited for the operator to run the safety check. "So, aibou," Yami began skeptically. "What exactly does this contraption do?"

I winced. Remember the tip about explaining modern devices? I just broke my own rule. "Just hold on tight and don't undo the seatbelt."

"Why not?" he asked. Then the ride began to move. Ever so slowly, it crept up the tracks, climbing higher and higher until we could see the entire park. "Is this it?" Yami asked.

I closed my eyes.

Then we plunged down to oblivion. Well, not literally, but you get it. Left, right, upside down, faster and faster… Every second felt like an eternity as I willed Yami and Bakura to refrain from sending some part of the roller coaster to the Shadow Realm and, in the process, killing us.

But that moment never came. The ride ended, and we all got off the ride safe and pumped full of adrenaline. "Never again," Ryou muttered, clearly ignoring Bakura.

"What?" Bakura snapped. "I put the bolt back before anyone died, didn't I?"

Upon hearing this, we decided to avoid the rides for awhile.

"I'm hungry!" Jou said at long last. "Who wants to get some food?"

After a brief argument, we decided on hot dogs and nachos. It was then that Ryou and I made the mistake of turning our backs on Bakura and Yami.

"No way in hell."

"Why not? What's the worst that could happen?"

"I don't know. But I'm not doing it."

"C'mon, Pharaoh! Scared?"

"Alright, if it's so harmless, YOU do it!"

"Fine! I will!"

"Fine!"

I was suddenly aware of movement in my peripheral vision, and I nudged Ryou. "I really don't wanna know, but what are they doing this time?" I asked.

Ryou took one look at the situation. "Bakura! Don't do that!" he snapped, grabbing Bakura by the shirt.

"Let go!" Bakura replied, struggling to free himself from Ryou's grip.

"I'm not letting you stick your tongue in the hot dog rollers! Now stop it!"

Yami snickered. "Let him try it," he urged. "If he finds out what it does, he'll learn not to do it again."

"Wellll…" Ryou said thoughtfully.

"Ryou, don't listen to him!" I exclaimed, panicked.

After we pulled Bakura away from the hot dog machine, we decided to ride the Ferris Wheel as we ate. The line wasn't too long, so Bakura and Yami didn't really have the opportunity to get bored. They were too busy trying to figure out what exactly it was that they were eating.

"I'm not saying it."

"C'mon, you know what it looks like!"

"I'm not saying it, Tomb Thief."

"Saying what?" Anzu asked innocently.

Bakura grinned evilly. "Watch this, Pharaoh," he said slyly.

"What are you going to—" He was interrupted as Bakura slapped Anzu in the face with the hot dog.

"Bakura!" screeched Anzu. "What the hell?"

Yami snickered, but disguised it with a cough. Jou and Honda, however…

"Oh my god!" Jou exclaimed. "Classic!"

"You better run, Bakura," Honda offered.

Anzu took a few calming breaths. "No. No, it's okay. We came here to have a good time."

Yami blinked. "Anzu, you just got slapped in the face with a dog's penis. Why aren't you trying to murder him?"

All the anger immediately faded from Anzu's face. "A _**what?**_" she laughed. "You… you thought that was a… Oh my god!"

By now, Yami was beyond confused. "But you called it a 'hot dog'. And 'hot' is synonymous with 'sexy', and when you toss a dog in the mix…"

Jou was rolling on the cement, laughing his ass off. "It's made out of beef!" he gasped. "It's not a dog!"

Bakura, oddly enough, seemed to be siding with Yami for this argument. "So they castrated a cow?" he asked, aghast. "Why are you guys even eating this shit?"

Ryou sighed. "It's just leftover organs stuffed into the intestines."

Honda and Jou spat out mouthfuls of hot dog. "Are you serious?" Honda spluttered. Behind him, Jou choked on what was left in his mouth. "That's sick!"

"You never had any problems eating it before," I said pointedly.

They thought for a moment. "Good point," Jou said. "Ryou, from now on, you keep that shit to yourself, okay?"

Ryou laughed. "Then I assume you don't want to hear about the corrosive properties of Coke?"

"NO NO NO NO NO!" Jou exclaimed, smacking his hands over his ears and shaking his head.

So, there you have it. Let's recap what we've learned so far:

Rule 10: No matter what they say, DO NOT let your yami use any kitchen appliance.

Rule 9: When using **modern** devices around **ancient** spirits, be sure to thoroughly explain how said objects work and what they do.

* * *

Author's Note: Speedy update time, ne? I hope you guys had as much fun reading this chapter as I did writing it! I haven't written Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction in over five years (the VSDs I wrote were originally written in 2004), so I have no idea where the sudden inspiration is coming from. Although, I did recently watch the Japanese version, and I fell madly in love with everyone's voices! (except ol' Peggy. He sounds homo. In a bad way.) So much better than the dub, I must say, in which Jou sounded like a NYC pizza delivery boy and Yami... well, let's just leave it at that.

Anywho, this is where I say goodnight! I will have a new chapter up for you very very very soon! And please, if you have any comments or concerns about my writing style or usage and expression (or if you just wanna say hi!), please drop me a line! I'll be right here behind the screen!

Until next time!


	3. RULE 8

Title: Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management

Pairings: slight YB X YY

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.

Summary: Ryou's POV. Bakura introduces Yami to the internet… and scars him for life.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, there would be much yaoi. And Anzu would be dead. And Mai would be topless.

* * *

RULE 8 – The Internet

I've been to Egypt. I never exactly lived there, but my father is an archeologist, and whenever I'm with him, I'm forced to politely nod and seem interested as he rants on and on about everything one couldn't care less about in regards to the ancient world. Needless to say, almost everything I know about Egypt, I learned from my father.

But there is one thing I learned on my own, however: Like foxes, the ancient Egyptians were extremely sly and crafty people. Yami and Bakura were no exceptions to this stereotype, if you would call it that. So, one thing to bear in mind with your yami is that they are always searching for that window of opportunity, and god help you when they find it.

However, they sometimes run out of evil schemes, and when that happens, DO NOT permit them usage of the television, radio or—above all—the internet. Why? Well, let's just say that the internet is full of all the nuggets of wisdom you would_** never**_ want your yami to find. If the internet is absolutely essential, ALWAYS set the filter. Why? Well, it began on one rainy fall day…

-----

For as long as I knew him—and long before that as well—Bakura had been after the life and sanity of a certain Pharaoh. And for uncountable years, he had failed to acquire either. He had come to acquire the sanity and lives of several _**other**_unfortunate individuals, but those didn't count. It was Yami he wanted, after all.

In the two years since he'd been released from the Sennen Ring, Bakura had tried every trick in the book. He'd used the ancient art of booby-trapping, the silent-hunter approach, Shadow Magic, his extensive collection of knives and daggers, and finally, his wonderful gift for manipulation. But while these antics surely had not failed to annoy the living hell out of his nemesis (and Yugi and I, for that matter), they did not have the desired effect on the Pharaoh. Because the last time I checked, Yami was still breathing and coherent.

And to make matters worse, Bakura was running out of ideas.

On that fateful day, Yami, Yugi, Bakura and I entered the Game Shop looking like a group of drowned rats. The storm had quite literally come out of nowhere, dropping bucket after bucket of icy water onto us as we hurried along the sidewalk. "What happened to that umbrella of yours?" Bakura asked me, wiping the rain out of his face.

I sighed. "The one you jumped off the roof with, you mean?"

Bakura had clearly missed my tone. "Yeah, that one."

Yami couldn't resist putting his two cents in. "Well," he began with a grin. "Unless Ryou was speaking in tongues, I believe you jumped off the roof with it."

"Just you wait, Pharaoh, one day I will slice you into so many pieces…"

Rolling his eyes, Yugi pointed to the stairs. "Why don't you two wait upstairs? Ryou and I will be up in a minute."

Unfortunately, Yugi missed the maniacal gleam in Bakura's eyes. "Great idea! It just so happens that I have something to show you, Pharaoh!"

"Be still, my heart," Yami said, voice laced with sarcasm.

I shook my head as the two mounted the steps. "Quasi-romantic tension?" I offered hopefully.

"Not by a long shot." Yugi hung his jacket by the door. "Now where did you say you left your book?"

-----

If there was one thing Yami had learned about Bakura over the years, it was that his immaturity knew no limits. The one thing he hadn't mastered, however, was recognizing good times to retreat and run screaming like a girl. Maybe it was his pride getting in the way. He was far too proud to accept defeat in such a degrading manner. Or maybe he was just dense. I mean, after knowing your enemy for 3000 years, you would think one would come to recognize the evil in said enemy's eyes.

But instead… "So, what's this great and wonderful thing you simply _have_ to show me?" Yami asked, sitting on Yugi's bed.

Bakura opened a page on the web browser. "Be patient," Bakura snickered. "I assume you don't use the internet?"

"No, and I'm surprised Ryou lets you."

"Oh ye of little faith," Bakura said. "Anyways, when you watch this, you have to do it with a mouthful of water."

Yami frowned. "Um, why?"

"It's part of the joke."

"Okay, humor me again. WHY?"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Shut up. Just… shut up."

Yami stood behind Bakura and looked over his shoulder. "Two girls, one cup?" he asked curiously. "What's so interesting about that?" Bakura just giggled his craziest of giggles. You know the one. His 'you will soon be in pain by my hand' giggle. "And will you quit it with your retarded laughing?"

"Whatever you say, my liege," Bakura quipped. "Oh, here we go!" he clicked on a link and shoved Yami into the chair. "Now, whatever you do, don't take your eyes off the screen."

Yami took a gulp of water, and Bakura clicked play.

Cue spit-take.

-----

I wasn't sure what had happened when Yugi and I heard a loud shout and a thud from upstairs. But as soon as we heard the shouts direct themselves at Bakura, my inner mind theater began playing scenarios of all the things that could be occurring upstairs.

Most of them were highly improbable, such as the event in which Bakura might have finally managed to light Yami on fire with nothing but a set of matches. He had been trying that one ever since he discovered matches, but when your opponent can send everything in your hand to the Shadow Realm, burning said opponent is next to impossible.

But there was always the chance that Bakura had summoned his Man-Eating Bug again, and if the destruction from the last time he'd pulled that stunt was any indication of how Yugi's room would end up, the sooner we interfered, the better.

"Wanna guess what Bakura did?" Yugi said.

I thought for a moment. "I have no idea. But he did watch some weird slasher movie on TV last night…"

We exchanged horrified looks and hurried upstairs, dropping our books and bags as we ran. Expecting the worst, Yugi quickly opened the door to his bedroom, only to find…

Bakura was laughing his ass off, slapping the floor and wiping away tears of mirth. Yami, however…

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF RA IS _**WRONG**_ WITH YOU, TOMB THIEF?!?" he shouted, stumbling backwards as he covered his eyes. "THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

"Bakura, what did you do this time?" I groaned.

Bakura tried to speak, but he was laughing far too hard to form any coherent sentences. After three minutes, though, he finally managed one string of words: "It wasn't me!"

"THE HELL IT WASN'T!" Yami, who was still walking backwards blindly, stumbled over the trash can and fell to the floor in an undignified heap.

The shouting and laughter continued for about another hour before Yugi and I thought to check the computer monitor. And when we did… well, I got a right long rant from Yugi about 'you honestly let him on the internet, Ryou?' To clarify a few things, no, I didn't _**let**_ Bakura use the internet. Like a little kid, he saw me use it and started typing random things into the Google toolbar and… well, the results say it all.

So, an urgent reminder to you all: If there's something you don't want your yami to know, password-protect your computer and don't tell them how to use it. And if you choose not to follow this rule and come home to a room full of weird fetish porn and 'make your own pipe bomb' kits… well, that's your own problem, now isn't it?

* * *

Author's Note: Alright, for those of you who don't know what 2girls1cup is, it's a video of two girls shitting in a cup, eating it, then barfing in each others' mouths. Vile shit. Don't watch it.

Now, for the rest of this note... Wow. I have more reviews than I expected, seeing as this fandom is pretty much dead when compared to the last time I was part of it. Special thanks to my dear reviewers--you give my writing hobby meaning and purpose. So, without further ado, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter (but if you scar yourself for life by watching the above mentioned video... well, I warned you.) Rule 7 coming soon!


	4. RULE 7

Title: Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management

Pairings: slight YB X YY

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.

Summary: Yugi's POV. Yami and Bakura have some fun with the elevator.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, there would be much yaoi. And Anzu would be dead. And Mai would be topless. Also, credit for this prank goes to David Spates. Check him out on Youtube. Greatest comedian ever.

ALSO: For those of you who don't read my author's notes, there is more at the very bottom.

* * *

RULE 7 – Boredom

Yami never really was the same after the incident with Bakura and the internet. I couldn't keep chocolate ice cream in the house anymore, and I could never bring up the topic of two girls or one cup. Instead of "two girls", it was "this one girl and this other girl", and instead of "one cup", it was "a glass".

Whatever. He'll get over it.

Now, see, one thing you should never assume is that a traumatized person is harmless. I made this mistake when I thought I could leave Yami home alone with Bakura while I was at school. In my defense, Yami had been curled up on the couch muttering to himself ever since Bakura showed him that video, so I didn't see how his demeanor could possibly do a one-eighty in my seven-hour absence.

I will never make that mistake again.

So, what's the tip of the day? No matter how harmless your yami may seem, DO NOT let them get bored while alone. I don't care what you have to do. But when they get bored, they find some of the weirdest ways to entertain themselves.

I believe this is where I give you my personal experience, so here goes.

-----

I was running late that morning, all thanks to Yami. Apparently the glowing numbers on my alarm clock were bothering him sometime during the night, so he unplugged it. Thanks a million.

Anyways, I was just about to leave when my doorbell rang. It was Ryou. "Oh, thank goodness," he said. "I was afraid you'd already left."

"I was just about to, actually," I said. "Shouldn't you be at school by now?"

"Could say the same for you," he replied. "Don't tell me you forgot."

I winced. "Guilty. What did I forget?"

It was then that I noticed Bakura leaning against the wall beside him. "One of my father's friends is staying at my place tonight, and I can't have Bakura in the house."

"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed. "Bakura, there's food in the fridge, and please don't send anything to the Shadow Realm. See ya!" And with that, Ryou and I hurried off to school, leaving behind Yami, Bakura, and a right plethora of opportunities for trouble.

The rest of this story is what I learned from Yami and Bakura AFTER the incident. Both accounts vary, but here's what happened from what I gathered.

"Are you still pissed at me, Pharaoh?" Bakura teased, plopping down on the couch next to Yami.

Yami just glared. "I'm never going to forgive you for that," he snapped. There were a few moments of silence, and Bakura finally stretched out cat-like on the couch, resting his feet on Yami's lap. When Yami failed to shove Bakura's feet away, it became obvious that he was giving Bakura the silent treatment.

"Fine, have it your way," Bakura sighed, resting his head on the arm of the couch. "I could use a footrest." Within a few minutes, Bakura was asleep. It took a bit for Yami to realize this, but when he did, ideas began racing through his head at a mile per minute.

Now, Yami didn't go into any detail on his reasoning, but he ended up not castrating Bakura in his sleep, and instead joined him in dreamland.

I swear, I will never understand that guy.

By the time Bakura woke up, the room was flooded with sunlight, and he was a bit more then surprised to find himself curled up next to Yami. "What the fuck?!" he shouted.

This shout thoroughly startled Yami, who sat bolt upright and fell off the couch. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: WHAT IS_**WRONG**_ WITH YOU?!" Yami shouted as he pushed himself up off the floor.

"Why were you asleep next to me?!"

Yami rolled his eyes. "You were on my side of the couch! You should quit snuggling in your sleep!"

As this fact registered in Bakura's brain, he went on the defensive. Meaning, he changed topics. "What time is it? I'm hungry."

Yami glanced at the clock. "Um, 1:30. And there's food in the kitchen if you want it."

Bakura sighed. "I already raided the kitchen. There's nothing edible in there."

"Well, what do you suggest?" Yami asked in annoyance. This is where everything went wrong.

"Hell if I know," Bakura replied sullenly. "I'm bored."

There. Stop the film. Right there. _**I'm bored.**_The two words that are the root of nearly all trouble in the world today. Bored? Let's get high. Bored? Let's have sex. Bored? Let's rob the five-and-dime. Bored? Let's light off firecrackers by the Vietnam veteran and see what happens. Bored? Let's shoot the neighbor's daughter with BB guns. See the connection? BORED!

So, the unholy words of the apocalypse had been uttered. The end was nigh.

They didn't do much for the next half hour or so, and sat on the couch in semi-silence, too lazy to turn on the TV. Then Yami had to open his mouth.

"Hey, Tomb Thief?"

"Hmm?"

"What would you do if you were sitting on the roof and a dead bird fell on your head?"

Bakura blinked in confusion, then shook his head. "Where did _**that**_ come from?" he asked.

Yami shrugged. "No idea. Just popped into my head." Again with the silence. "Well, what would you do?"

"I'd eat it, Pharaoh," Bakura said, annoyed.

It was quiet again, but this time, Bakura had a question. "What would you do if Marik walked in here in a pink thong?"

Yami smirked. "I'd take a picture and put it on the internet."

Thus began the 'what would you do if…?' question game. What would you do if the little people started coming out of the television? What would you do if Jounouchi was actually a girl? What would you do if you were trapped on a desert island with Anzu and Honda and you didn't have any food? You'd eat Anzu? But what if she was the last female and you had to repopulate the earth? You'd still eat her?

This continued for about twenty minutes, until Bakura asked the winning question. "What would you do if you walked into an elevator, and a guy in a bloody shirt with a machete walked in after you?"

Yami was stumped. "That's actually a really good question," he admitted. After a moment of thoughtful silence, he grinned one of his eviler grins. "Wanna find out?"

-----

As Yami and Bakura were telling me this story, I thought it better not to ask where they got the machete.

After a short debate, it was decided that Bakura would be the one to carry the machete and wear the shirt splattered with Yami's blood. So, with the bloody shirt and big knife in hand, they left the house and headed to the nearest parking garage.

"Okay, so make sure they can't see you before they get in," Yami said, wiping some of his blood onto Bakura's face and hair. "There. Though your face could probably scare them without the blood and knife," he added snidely.

Bakura smirked and gnashed his teeth for effect. Yami snickered. "Oh, here come some people now!"

Two teenage guys and their mother approached the elevator and pressed the button. As soon as the doors opened, the trio entered the enclosed box, followed closely by Bakura, machete in hand.

The first boy screamed like a girl and bolted, followed closely by his brother and crying mother.

Yami sank to the ground laughing as the mother's sobs echoed throughout the parking garage. "Did you see the look on that woman's face?!" Bakura exclaimed, tears of mirth gathering blood as they slid down his cheeks. "Priceless!"

Yami finally managed to control his laughter with a few deep breaths. "So," he said. "Does this answer our question?"

"Pfft," Bakura replied. "No. Not yet."

-----

I would never have heard any part of this story if I hadn't taken a shortcut home with Honda and Jou after school. We were crossing the lower parking lot when I saw a white-haired, blood-soaked, knife-wielding, and extremely familiar-looking individual following a horny couple into the elevator.

"That's not… is it…?" Honda wondered aloud.

"Bakura!" Jou called.

Bakura looked up… and hid the machete behind his back. "It IS you!" I exclaimed. "Where's Yami?" Bakura's eyes flickered to the right, and I noticed a shadow from behind a parked car. "Yami, come out. I see you," I said, exasperated.

Reluctantly, like a guilty dog that chewed up a shoe, Yami emerged with a faux innocent expression on his face. "Aibou! Fancy meeting you here!"

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait, you guys. My friend let me borrow Path of Radiance, and I'm hooked. Expect some Fire Emblem fanfiction soon.

Anyways, to my lovely and wonderful reviewers: I am sooo sorry it took this long to update. I am at your mercy. To atone for my deadly sin, I have a preview for the next chapter! Oh, and there will be more hints of yaoi. Enjoy!

* * *

PREVIEW, RULE 6

I should have known the fish wouldn't last. That was a no-brainer. It's not that Bakura is cruel to animals; goodness no! It's just that he has trouble differentiating between pets and dinner.

The goldfish were dinner in a day. The dog had to be put to sleep after Bakura taught it to maul anything with a pulse, and the cat was collateral damage when Yami and Bakura got into another one of their epic knife fights over some trivial issue or another. I don't think I've ever seen Anzu cry so hard.

So what I'm getting at here is that pets are not ideal companions for ancient Egyptian spirits, especially if you don't want certain brunettes calling collect to the ASPCA.

Anyways, I was at the pet store with Yugi and Jounouchi (Yami and Bakura were there too, obviously), when I saw the most adorable pair of lovebirds. No, not Yami and Bakura, despite my theories, but actual black, yellow and green red-beaked lovebirds, snuggled up next to each other, chirping contentedly.

But as I stared at them, I had a sudden vision of two roasted chickens.

All thoughts of adopting them flew out the window.


End file.
